Own your fear
You know what it’s like. You’ve finally found a good one, a person you feel you can trust in an intimate relationship. But something’s nagging at you. Part of you is “waiting for the punchline”. That feeling you get when you’re sure you’re going to end up being the butt of some cosmic joke. That the person you’re now with will turn to you one day and say they’ve changed their mind about being in relationship you. Or that person you thought was so wonderful turns out to be a subtle abuser. You are afraid but you need to own your fear.
Fear can be a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Your underlying emotion is fear. Your head knows that this new relationship, this new partner, is not like the one that had been difficult or abusive. You know, cognitively, that this is different, but you have been so conditioned by previous experiences that you’re just waiting for things to change.
This sort of situation may be a pattern in your relationships. You may self-sabotage the new relationship, accusing your new partner of being just like a past abusive partner. You may subconsciously feel that it’s safer to do that than face the possibility of being hurt again.
And so, your fears become a self-fulfilling prophesy as relationship after relationship fails until you are no longer willing to put yourself out there. You are convinced that love and relationships are just not your thing.
Fear is a very powerful emotion.
Much is written and spoken about facing your fears. Fear has been defined as False Evidence Appearing Real. But I think that such maxims, while given with good intentions, do not accept that feeling fear is as natural as experiencing happiness or sadness.
Fear is a very natural emotion in the face of situations and people that hurt you or have the potential to do so. Like all emotions, fear has no moral value. It is neither good nor bad. It just is.
One way to “face our fears” is to acknowledge that we feel them. It is healthy to own that we feel fearful in a new relationship because we’re afraid of getting hurt. However, any emotion that isn’t acknowledged, that remains unowned, does not go away. It only buries itself deep in our subconscious and surfaces when we least expect it, and then we wonder where it came from.
Unacknowledged fear limits us.
Unacknowledged fear has the ability to stunt our growth as people and impede our forward progress. Owned fear is fear out in the open. We can look at it, even see that it may be nonsensical, but that to us it is real. By validating what we feel in this way, as we need to do with any emotion, we can strip fear of its power to limit us and limit the possibility of being in a healthy and loving relationship
When we own our fear of being hurt or abused we are being honest with ourselves. But we can own the fear and then go on to not allow that fear to dictate our response to a new situation, even though we are tempted to do so. While fear is there to keep us safe and it is important to trust our gut instinct in potentially dangerous situations, fear must not rule us.
Own your fear and step forward.
Facing our fears is about acknowledging that we feel afraid, acknowledging that we are waiting for the punch line, but still moving into that new relationship anyway.
Given the statistics that 20-25% of women find themselves in abusive relationships, that means that 75-80% of women do not. We can only put ourselves into that 75-80% of women by owning our fears, facing them, and moving forward despite them.
I’ve done this journey. I know this fear. I put my hand up and say, “Yes, I’m afraid at times in a new relationship”. Yes, I know what it’s like to wait for the punchline.
But…I choose to own that fear. and acknowledge it. I validate it as a real player in my life. And I choose to move forward despite it.
New foundations for life.
As I’ve done, and continue to do this journey, I use six foundations to build a new life: release, fulfilment, intuitive genius, collaboration, celebration and transformation. I took those Six Pillars of Thriving and incorporated them into my signature coaching program, The Sassy Women’s Project. This coaching program is specifically designed for women, like myself, who have rescued themselves from abusive relationships and are in the process of rebuilding and recreating their lives.
If you are on a similar path and want some guidance and support, I have complementary 30-minute discovery calls available. You will also receive a free copy of The Six Pillars of Thriving. You can use these same foundations to recover your dreams and uncover your superpower.
To schedule your complimentary discovery call, go to www.calendly.com/bronwilliams and choose a time that suits you. That free PDF will then wing its way to your inbox (or maybe your spam file so check there too!)
Let’s talk soon, so you too can be powered by your past!